Think of it like this.

Imagine that you just did an exam. Maybe it's a maths exam, maybe it's a chemistry exam. It doesn't matter what exam it is. All you know is that it was an exam.

Days pass, weeks pass, and you still haven't received your results. You ask your favourite teacher "Hey, when am I getting my results back?"

They say "You can have the mark, just not the paper. You will have to wait until everyone has done the test to get the paper back. Sorry about that."

You understand your teacher. In fact, it's fair to get the papers when everyone's done the exam. It's completely valid.

You get your mark and you didn't do well. Your teacher graded you, maybe a D or a C.

However, you see the pile of papers on your teacher's desk. It's flipped, showing the empty side. It's right there in front of you, yet you can't get it. Somewhere in that pile lies the mistakes you made and what to improve on, but you just can't reach it. You can't see it.

More days pass. You ask again. Same answer. You ask another time, and it's the same answer.

And you've done this with other teachers too, except it didn't really go well. When you asked your other teachers about their respective subject's exam results (let's say, social sciences), they shook you off and coldly told you to wait. They gave you the mark, but they didn't give you the papers back. You feel scared to ask again. So, the same logic and the same "trauma" applies to your favourite teacher.

But why, you might ask. Your favourite teacher never treated you coldly. They always apologised for not being able to give you the paper back. You understand their point of view, and you appreciate your favourite teacher's sense of calm and empathy. So why are you so scared to ask your teacher again? Well, it's the trauma of that past behaviour. You're scared to ask again, despite all of these good qualities. And you don't want to lose the opportunity of being your favourite teacher's favourite student.

So, in order to show your appreciation -- in order to earn your teacher's spot of being the favourite student -- you work harder on your classwork. You maintain a calm and motivated work ethic. You even show your cool personal projects for review.

You show your appreciation so much. Not because of you wanting to get the exam papers by bribing them with kindness, but just because you want to (and also, you want to be the favourite student, haha).

Despite the showcase of appreciation, you never get the results back. You never know what truly went wrong, how you can improve, and how you can move forward. You don't even know if your appreciation went to anything at all, never knowing if you're your favourite teacher's favourite student. And even worse, some days your favourite teacher thinks they can hand the papers but then at the last minute, they realise that they can't pass the paper back. Why? They forgot that a singular student still hasn't done the exam.

And it's frustrating. It's like a mixed bag of treats. You're almost there, almost getting your paper back, then they miscount again and realise there's another student that hasn't done it. From this analogy, you might think that this is just poor management from the staff.

But through the days and weeks that have passed, you figure out who the student is. It's that one student who always carries three bags to school. Bags that have a ton of ripped clothes on it. Photos stuffed into those clothes, like old memories. The student never wants to go to school because of the three bags. You might be thinking, "Why can't the student just take the bags off? It's not like they need the clothes and the photos and everything to school. I mean, who brings clothes and photos to school?!"

And you're right. You're completely right. But the problem is, the student can't take the bags off. It's like a curse, like baggage. Baggage that simply won't wear off. And they're too scared to break the curse because they don't know what will happen afterwards.

And this student with all of the baggage is one of the many students in your class that haven't done the exam, and there's students like them in other classes too.

My point is, despite getting the mark, I'll never be able to reach that dang paper. No matter how much I ask, no matter how hard I try, I'll never be able to get it back. And if I just knew what was on the paper, I'd learn how to improve and move forward. Heck, the teacher might have accidentally misgraded me and I could get extra credit.

But in my head, I know that I will basically never get it back. Even if deep down, there's a sliver of hope that I will. That's what's frustrating. The uncertainty. The insecurity. The pain.

And that, is how I feel right now.

Thank you for reading hotcuppa.

Sincerely,

Davo