Breaking my indefinite hiatus, I've decided to finally make one last post compiling all of my archived or unreleased posts that I think are worth releasing.

Over the past few days of reflecting – whether that be through annoyance, anger, despair, chaos, and acceptance for what is – I've realised that many of these posts are self-sacrifical or blamey. I think I recognise that as a flaw in myself, and I know I'm not perfect. I think I'll continue to work on that, and keep growing, as I near adulthood in the next few years. These set of posts will serve as a good method of accepting what has really happened in the past, and how it has and will change me for the years to come.

In true honesty, I believe that I also just want to say a few things, since it truly doesn't matter anymore. I feel that I've held back a bit, and if there's one thing I should do, I should be more honest to both myself and the intended reader (singular) of this post.

This will be my concluding post on this publication. I think it serves as the final marker for a chapter of my life. I hope that I can find better ways to cope and strive to become a better person.

Dear reader, I hope you appreciate the next couple of texts. If you're reading these all at once, it will be a long one. Happy reading!

wishbone

originally published: february 25, 2026

I'd break a wishbone, and take the shorter side

In the harsh truth, in which I will confide

And what's yours, is never mine

With secrets, that we'll always hide

We twisted the tale, of our finale

Hoping we could last, as friends, once again

But once a rose begins to falter

You can only see its petals, at its fated end

But to replay the past, is to subvert the future

In hopes of repair, like the Ship of Theseus

You can never fix what's always broken

When its pieces are replaced, different from its predecessor

But if I could go back, to when it was good

And see the pieces of you I once knew

Your eyes, your hair, your soft voice

I'd stay for a moment, and linger again

So I say, "go on, fly free"

"Find the life you deserve, the life you so wish"

And even if the life I once shared, is no longer part of yours

I'll hold the short end, knowing you will always be, a part of me

reason

originally published: date has been forgotten

For the fullest context, I recommend reading the following posts.

  • the seventh star – all of the context to this post

  • wishbone – poem related to the seventh star

For the fullest reading experience, I recommend having the following songs in the background.

You gave me a reason.

A reason for me to be a person I never want to see.

You've done nothing wrong and in fact, you've done everything right.

You were nice, you were kind, you were more than enough in my eyes.

I wrote poems, wrote songs, even handwritten letters.

I stayed on calls, listening to your velvety voice. I admired your soft, ruffled hair. I sat beside you, trying to see what was behind those eyes.

I lost sleep for you. I held myself intact just for you. I kept being friends because I wanted to keep us close.

And for what?

For when I tried to move forward, you pulled me backwards. With words, exchanged in poetry, enlaced in fear.

And yeah, maybe it's my fault. Maybe it's my fault that I loved you too much, that I still gave you something when we were clearly apart. When I shared the last pieces of me.

Maybe it's my fault that I stayed, knowing that it would never work. You share your gaze with amity, while I stay here and look at you with affection.

My heart aches, it bleeds, it seethes. It resents with pain, the hole now gaping open.

The moon turns crimson, the world is painted red.

My frustration, my annoyance, my anger, it seethes from a place I never thought would exist. The deepest parts of me, the ones I try to control, they seek answers for questions never answered.

So why, I ask, do you continue to want me by your side? You don't love me. No, you never did. You never did.

Why can't you say the words that fall on the tip of your tongue? Why do I linger on and wait for those words to roll into the raging currents of the water?

Why do I seek your warmth? Why do I always fall into you? When you never, ever fell into me.

So while my heart continues to bleed and while you continue to long for friendship, you give me a reason I was so desperate to find.

A reason to never return.

Until you find the courage to let your heart scream with its truest voice, until the walls have fallen, and until honesty echoes the chambers of our present...

We will never see each other in the same light again.

glimpses

originally published: date has been forgotten

It's hard. It's hard to let go of something you loved so much, something you valued, something you cherished.

When you look at their profile, and see them hold the things you gave to them, knowing that they'd never associate it with you.

When you make a pact, to stay as friends, yet you both linger on as two separate lives, no longer connected.

When everything felt good in December, I thought it could've lasted forever. But I didn't, at the same time. We explored new things, tried different approaches. At the end, we reached our final destination. It was the destination that I realistically knew it would lead to.

There's a certain bond that feels too hard to break, the one I can feel, to return. Is it attachment? Is it obsession? Is it a force that is intangible, something that can't truly be named?

By the press of a button, everything goes away. A door, left ajar, can just close in an instant. How could it end like this? On the platform we founded ourselves upon, where we bonded and chatted, supporting each other in various ways. Where we called until midnight and giggled and laughed, had our hard times, various endeavours to stall our falling out. And now, to press that red button, to put another nail in the coffin. How could I just... do that?

It's a necessary choice. I still care about you. I can't let this go on. Too risky. Too messy.

I know I'll see you in places where I'd like to ignore you. I can't change that. But, maybe, this will help relieve past wounds.

Kung gusto nya, merong paraan. Pag hindi, wala nang pagasa. Wala na. End. Of. Story.

Until I stop writing about you, I'll be your ghost keeper.

home?

originally published: june 27, 2026

Home.

What does it really mean?

My mind, sunken in thoughts I shouldn't worry about.

Whilst chatter, of a different world, flood the empty room.

instrumentals play the ambient.

Will my life become stagnant?

Will I lose my flight?

Or will I win this fight?

Alone.

It's how I really feel.

Within the silent nights and the crowded days.

Within another's warm embrace.

Whether it be the push or pull, or the impossible path.

Even if Found Heaven had played, it would've only masked my sadness.

Why is it so hard to smile, when I'm on my own?

Security.

All I crave, all I want.

Undoubted, willing, stable.

In places familiar and unfamiliar.

Will I have to wait for the distant future?

Or break a Wishbone, hoping for the long end?

Maybe these thoughts will flee, maybe they'll remain.

But the present remains still. Is this how it has to be?

Let time pass. Let it pass.

It will get better. It will be better.

They said so.

"To give you – the moonlight.

I reach, like Icarus does to the sky.

Life, lightheaded, dream-like."

my last call

unpublished

Friendship. What does it mean?

Is it a bond that burns into your skin?

A feeling like the dirt under your nails?

Or is it something else?

Is it passion? Is it love?

Or is it mutual benefit?

Was it casual when you stayed until the day's last breath?

To ignore the responsibilities of the day forward

Was it casual when you wrote to me when it was already over?

Like a heart on a rod not knowing if it would sink

Was it casual when you fed the fire of my desire to be intertwined?

Or was I just someone that would listen?

I could say, to your face,

that my tongue is raging with hate

But I know that's a lie

Because even if, in my heart, you betrayed me

Helped me believe love was true for reasons unknown

Regardless if whether it was strategic or a blunder

You held the light to a tunnel, so dark, so empty

Why should I not be grateful?

If the end is silent, or crashes and falls

Just know, that this is my last call

Maybe, it's better, if a chapter was left unsaid

Or if the linen was left untamed

So play your final part, say your final sayings

Play me a melody on your piano, untouched

So that I'd hear your first song

And your final movement

With bitterness as poison, and blades sharpened

As our ghosts grow, and follow us until daybreak

But in true honesty...

"In another life, I would have really liked

Just doing laundry and taxes with you"

We tried to make it work

But things won't change, not like this

So let's just leave the corpse dead until we're ready

At our best selves, in our best lives

When we know where we stand in the world

If things change, let's leave it 'till later

When we're both ready to be better

And we have journeys ahead of each other

So maybe this is for the best

Just know that this snapshot of me

Loved you for who you are

And so should you

because i believed you

unpublished

i admit. i fell for you because i believed that you could be the cure. you were the only one who saw me in that dark tunnel... in hollowness, in emptiness, in pain and hurt.

how ironic is it that the same saviour is the one who brought the worst pain out of them all? worse than the one who punched me in the face and never apologised, worse than the one who said that every moment i dm'ed them, it wasn't a "conversation".

i wanted to believe in love. i guess i was stupid enough to believe it.

i'm smart. i'm better than this. yet, i stuck around because i wanted to please you. i wanted to be a good friend.

i gave you all that i could. but what happens when you put too much pressure onto a glass? it breaks.

i've broken a lot of times. i cried, and dreamed, and sulked, and wrote so many of these posts about you. you meant the world to me, and maybe, that was wrong of me to do.

i wanted to believe in love. i guess i was stupid enough to believe you.

...

how do you do it, honeybee?

life is fleeting. things are ephemeral. the things on this stage are nothing but stardust. magical illusions that disappear after its lifetime.

and yet, when we have the opportunity to make purpose, we stand still.

i'll lie, and lie, and lie, and LIE... to my own self, my own psyche, in order to believe what you believe. that we're just friends. that we're just enjoying the moment.

to the GROUND with that notion.

i stayed, replied to your messages, replied with smiles both online and offline. i gave you songs, letters, photos, keychains... pieces, and pieces, and PIECES of me. so much in abundance.

i gave you everything because i wanted to. then i gave you everything because it was the only thing to save it.

it was STUPID of me to think that there was something to save.

that there was... something to save.

life may be fleeting, but we don't live life in moments. we live life in meaning. and that's the difference between us. that's why we can't be friends.

...

and most of all, i hate that i'm guilty of the fact that i enjoyed it. all the moments. all the fun times.

i just wanted to know if you would be the person who'd finally give me something back.

but i've grown up. i don't need your attention. i want your love, your passion, your support. i want you to give me awesome hugs, lasting stares, vulnerable conversations. i want it to be equal. i want... so much.

and for as long as this continues, you'll never be the person who will fulfil this.

...

this should be the end.

don't drag it out.

we're too different.

leave me.

"i hate you."

but really, i love you.

make it stop.

this is for the best.

this is how it should be.

epilogue

written: august 24, 2026 (edited august 25, 2026)

i think i've changed a lot over the past few weeks. these posts have twisted and turned, from bargaining, to regret, to self-sacrifice, to frustration, to anger, to hate. so many emotions.

i don't hate you. the words i've written, i don't think i really fully meant it. i just wanted to get it out because you hurt me. even if you didn't want to or intend to.

i said what i said, i sang what i sang. if things change, so be it. but i feel a lot better and a lot happier now, even with stress and all of that.

i think the love faded away after a while.

i guess the only thing i can do is to wish you the best, and hope our lives move a better trajectory.

this sun has set!

i'm sorry for all the trouble i've caused (the anxiety and worry). one day, i'll forgive you for the damage you've dealt, unintentional or not. and in the end, all things really do come to an end. i hope that one day, we'll both be better and grown people.

most of all, i hope that i'll mature into a better person, so maybe i can say that this was one of the greatest learning experiences i've had so far.

(farewell)

sincerely, me