the sixth star

If you need context, go to fortitude . I've explained everything there is to know about this "star" labelling and anything that may require context. I'll still recap everything necessary here though.

This post is purely just my own thoughts and my own dramatic perspective as to how everything went and how I made everything go. If you are the sixth star, please don't feel weirded out (you can always leave this blog).

It's been a bit weird recently. Especially since May, maybe April as well. I saw this star up upon the skies, shining bright red. It was cold in autumn, not as cold as now though (it's winter as of writing this, I'm in Australia).

It was friendly at first and I guess it always was. A friendship forged in curiosity but also mutuality. Not entirely deep on a personal level (or maybe a little), just acquaintances who knew each other.

Then, there were conversations small questions, chats, responses. Not a conversation, not a deep one most of the time. Just two people responding to each other, well ... just one. The star was the only one responding and I was just sending messages through day and night. Sending them into the void, only to get a bit of stardust back.

Then came the final needle, the one that broke it all. An insult, not intended to harm but as a playful joke. My actions were an overreaction, the pain of the trauma that resided beneath from just a simple trigger became fuel for almost an emotional explosion. Through avoidance, ignorance, and space, I was able to overcome these emotions that may have destroyed me and this star. However, even when I was able to overcome those strong fleeting emotions, it was too late. The tension had been set, it was like the bitterness of dark chocolate had kicked in. Maybe like the sparkle of soda.

Then, the call. A comfortable talk in a silent night during May. A text conversation and a phone call of two people in confusion, not knowing what they were doing.

"Just tell me what it's about."

"It's a bit complicated."

"..."

"What ... did I do?"

"I told you, there's a lot."

"I'm sorry if I did something, I am not aware of it."

"It's ok, it was my fault for not being clear."

"No, I must've been insensitive. Sorry."

Then the call went and it went quiet. Gradually and slowly, it went quiet. It was comfortable. It was nice. It was weird. The call finished. For the next few days, it was no longer quietness but silence.

It was silent, for a few days. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know what to say. There was nothing to be said. Our DMs were silent, with no interaction but a "get well soon" message out of consideration. Maybe a bit of compliments to try to salvage something, but they were just responses, not conversation.

I was in a dilemma. My thoughts were haywire. I didn't feel good, I didn't feel right. I didn't want to break a promise, but I was thinking of a lot of thoughts. It overwhelmed me, caved me in, silenced my dreams. I wanted it all to end, maybe there would be comfort somewhere else. Somewhere I didn't have to think anymore.

My mum was there to comfort me, protect me, and shield me from these thoughts that I had. It felt like one of the worst moments in my life yet. No, it wasn't the fact that I was rejected, I was scared that I would lose another friend and silence would overtake again. I felt pain to the deepest level, there was no light. Only darkness.

She was there when I was at my lowest and I saw a little bit of light again. I just needed to keep surviving, even when you can't see the light anymore. And I did, I snapped out of that mindset. I was ready to survive again.

It was awkward at school. To see a face I so strongly waited for but yet at the same time, felt bitter for. Not bitterness due to their actual behaviour but because I had to face my own fake perspective of such a person, and detach from the invisible strings I could not sense before. It was hard to pull because I was pulling strings from a good person, with many flaws but with a sense of good. With a sense of empathy and righteousness.

But a surprise as to when I think about it now, they were helping me detach. I was longing, yearning for them to come back to feel a sense of validation and comfort. They distanced from me, loosening the strings even further.

And now, a stalemate. A bittersweet stalemate. A facade I built only to crumble. I'll just wait until the 501 passes by, then I'll say "goodbye".

Or maybe, there is no such thing as "goodbye". Only "see you later". I'll never be able to stop whatever these sparks are, even if it was reality or a lie. It didn't feel like a lie, I know most of it was real. I'll just forget. Buried inside where no one can find it but me.

So, if you're reading this, I want to say I'm sorry. To the starlight above the sky. I placed a rift, a place of tension over this ship we've built. In another life, maybe I would've been more honest or maybe I would never feel like this at all.

See you later, I guess.

I hope you enjoyed this blog post, even if maybe it's not what I usually write.

Thank you for reading. I hope you have a great day, afternoon, or night.

Sincerely,

cups (David)