fortitude

NOTE: This was written on May 28, 2025 at my digital garden . The sixth star is definitely no longer ongoing …

This feels more like a journal entry than my usual blogs, but I'm winging it anyway.

It's currently 7:08pm as of me initially writing this, and I'm procrastinating on my mathematics (trigonometry) and science (chemistry) homework. I thought of sharing my own experience, my own thoughts, as to how I manage the heartaches I've had along the way.

Feelings are weird. Feelings are tough. It's hard to have a crush on someone, no wonder a crush is called a "crush" -- it crushes your feelings. I've had many crushes along the way, as I've grown older and have experienced my little high school, character-development journey. Some were purely for physicality (even when I was in denial), others for personality, nevertheless, it was difficult. I felt the urge to confess to each one, and I'm glad I did because I got my closure.

The past crushes I've had are what I call the six (fallen) stars. It's kind of like "To All The Boys I've Loved" where Lara Jean writes a letter to all the boys she ever had a crush on. Each person that I had a crush on meant something to me, each serving as a fundamental building block as to who I am today, whether for better or for worse. I fell too hard, and I had to always get back up like I tripped on spikes. It hurt, it really did.

(NOTE: Before you read on, I would just like to say that if you know who you are, don't feel awkward because I highly likely do not have any strong feelings towards you. This is just a look into my brain and my thought process.)

the first, a new world

The first star, they were everything to me. Sparks. I felt so loved and so comforted. Not in the mental space, but in the physical space. It was only now that I realised, it was a pure friendship, not romance. I really valued them and that value broke my heart into so many pieces. It hurt, a lot.

I remember, it was a late night in March (2023) and we were having our regular calls on Discord. My best friend realised maybe a couple weeks back that I had a crush on the person, so he encouraged me to confess. I did. It didn't go great.

I remember that considering this was my first crush, maybe my first "love", I felt so much pain and rejection. I felt like my world was about to collapse (and luckily, it didn't). I was so confused and in pain. I couldn't handle it, I was about to explode. What was even worse was, I was ghosted.

That was when I realised, I couldn't handle being avoided right after I became the most vulnerable person. It was the spark of a deeper root of trauma, being invalidated when all I felt back then was validated. Everything changed between us, at least for a while.

That was when I learned the difference between friendship and romance, or at least, I only learned recently. We're still friends, so that's fun I guess.

the second, a different shade

I admit, the second star was mostly for physicality (and maybe, a sense of warmth in their personality that was similar to the first star). Also, they were my rebound.

At first, they were shy, and then they eventually got comfortable. We played a bunch of games together and it was really fun. I felt a sense of bonding and connection, with a bit of teasing and a bit of just regular friendship bonding.

Obviously, I was clouded by sparks. I thought it was more than that when really, at the surface, it wasn't.

Then, it happened again. I confessed (over Discord call as well). I don't exactly remember why anymore, but I remember confessing just before my birthday. It was weird and I don't know why I did it. I was a different person and I was so anxious, and afraid. I was making it so confusing and I guess looking back at it now, it was a good thing I got rejected. Haha.

But that was another stepping stone for me, the experience of having a crush on the second star. I was able to learn that while I didn't exactly like how it turned out, I still knew that people could have empathy and they were human. They comforted me, even if I couldn't be more than that to them, and I really value that. They're one of my good friends now, so that's also fun.

the third, the real rebound

After having a rebound once, I decided that, even when I was heavily busy with streaming and was going under some extreme stress from all the past experiences and heartache I still didn't heal from, to have another rebound. Such a smart move, right?

Anyway, I was able to connect with this third star. I fell for the charisma, sort of like a magnet. Maybe a bit of physicality too. After a few months, I confessed again over call (at New Year's I'm pretty sure). I'm not too proud with this one, but I guess it taught me something at the end. Not everything goes to plan and some people aren't that clueless.

interlude

After all these somewhat horrible experiences, considering I wasn't really that educated in the love and dating space, I was having some trauma. I didn't heal from my past crushes and I just went from rebound to rebound, without reflecting or deeply thinking about it. I didn't really tell anyone besides my friend and I didn't really expose these problems to the support network I had with me. If I knew what I knew now, I would've told my past self to tell them about these issues.

But as I continued with my new year (2024), I took care of myself a little bit more. Unconsciously, sure. I probably prayed at night every day, maybe to fix all of these things. I was still not in a good state of mind, but I was definitely better than before. I also took a break from streaming during this time, so escaping my problems wasn't an option now.

Then, the fourth star arrived. Oh, boy.

the fourth, new game

The fourth star was when I think, I finally met my first sincere crush. It was the charisma that got me, I'm fairly sure. I played things a little different this time. I was a little weird, maybe a little too weird. I'm a bit ashamed of it and I don't know if I crossed boundaries. A bit touchy, maybe?

But I really fell in love with them. This felt real to me, for once. I even wrote a song about them (although, unreleased). I felt sparks. But the illusion came down fast, and I was in so much denial.

I wasn't used to this sort of personality, a really blunt and maybe too honest one. I was playing with a different hand, unsure of what cards to play. I still went with it because I felt alone, and I felt like being in "love" was my only escape from my problems and trauma. I didn't really reflect much, I was just an anxious, weird kid. I can see why people don't like me now, haha.

Then, breaking the cycle of Discord calls, I actually gave a letter. It's a bit cringey and a bit too upfront, but it was my first time. I thought that this person was so special to me and that I actually had a chance, so I gave it my best shot and... well, it didn't really go well.

Not getting a response immediately since I sent it just before school ended, I was a bit nervous. I felt the cycle of rejection overpower me and I spiralled into overthinking and impatient waiting. I was waiting for an answer, until I finally found one. Or was it really an answer?

I got a "maybe". A sliver of hope, a silver lining. It felt like the stars were aligning. My naivety called for patience and waiting but really, it was false hope. I think the fourth star was letting me down slowly, and I'm grateful for it (even if it caused so much pain). We knew we weren't compatible with each other and I eventually moved on from it.

And to that, I say that I learned incompatibility.

the fifth, different territory

The fifth star was a bit of a silly one. I was being a little pushy, as I usually do. I was a little dramatic, as I usually am. It felt like I was playing a character in a show and it felt like a more American romance high school drama this time. I got in the same class with the fifth star and I was in so much pain when I realised, but really ... I loved it.

I, then, got the guts to get up and write a Valentine's Day message (with a rose). Somehow, even though it was anonymous, they guessed that it was me. For some ODD reason. It was so weird. It felt like the world was conspiring against me. But, I guess it was obvious, don't put a :P in your message.

It was a short one for me. I think the fifth star was actually nicer than I thought, even though they ghosted me HARD. I believe it was the first time I got Instagram (2025) and I already felt the pain of being unfollowed. Wow, it really hurt.

Also, I wrote a love song for them . How fun, right? :]

I learned that wearing your heart on a sleeve isn't always a good thing.

the sixth, revolution (ongoing?)

Now, I guess, the most recent one ... the one that broke my heart the most, the one that was only weeks ago. I guess it felt like my first, just pure friendship. But it was weird because I felt sparks between us, like something was different ... but I guess I was wrong. :)

I actually met them while I was obsessing over the fifth star and one of my friends told me that the sixth star seemed nice out of all of the people playing sports. I was confused, and I really wondered who this person was (I never met them before, and they seemed new).

I was interested, and decided to say 'hi' every now and then. It was fun, I felt a little happy every time I said 'hi' and they said 'hi' back. I don't think my feelings were that strong to the point I would explode, I guess just a healthy amount. Every morning, even though they were really chill, I felt a little happier and motivated to do stuff.

Then, there was an event called Industry Day, it was basically when people gave us career advice and offered tours for their offices. I got bored, so I walked up to them and said hi. We had an actual conversation, it felt like we were actually getting to know each other. It was much more deep than the last few ones, maybe it was just because of them being them. I offered them chocolate and they just munched on it, it was great (we'll get back to the chocolate thing later).

On the same day, they asked me if I had a girlfriend. Of course, I was super confused and super shocked, but I responded that I was single. It really shocked me, and I thought "who just asks that?" But anyway, I went on with my day thinking about that. I think it was a few more days after that they explained that it was for research.

Then, we went a hangout with some of my other friends (and we said we were going to do another one but it never really happened). It was fun and I still have a few clips from it. I guess that was the hard part of realising that it's probably not going to happen. Having a friendship that you know is sincere, but there was still a hidden secret. A lie, if you may. Deception? So, I cherished it while it lasted, and thought of a possible future (which was a dangerous game to play).

On the bus, I was able to talk with the sixth star a lot more deeply, and it really got me thinking about thoughts that I dismissed before. It was the first time one of my crushes actually talked about something deep.

It hurt me every time they were saying that they wanted a certain type of person, something that didn't fit little ol' me. But I kept going and just wanted the friendship to keep going, knowing that it wouldn't happen at the end. It hurt like a splinter on my knee or a sprained ankle, but I kept walking. Maybe, I even ran.

Then, we had a little tension moment. I felt really offended by something the sixth star said, something really personal to me. I didn't feel happy, and to stop myself from exploding right in front of them and hurting them in the process, I got some space. I thought and I reflected. I didn't feel angry any longer, it felt like it was my fault for overreacting. They were really concerned, which was a first because none of my crushes ever felt actually concerned for me. So, I told the truth. And I confessed too.

I said, "hey, [starlight], I need to talk to you later." It was as simple as that. As they were walking to the buses and I was walking home, I was thinking of what to do. I just texted, got into a call, and shared my feelings. I got rejected, again. It was a bittersweet moment, talking to the person I had feelings with about my feelings. I knew that they respected me, and they wanted to comfort me.

It was the athletics carnival right after, all the kids ran, played discus, and other sports. It was noisy, but with earbuds in my ear and calm music playing, I sat there and enjoyed the view. I was grieving of something that wasn't even there, a future that never existed, and a past clouded by feelings of something that wasn't true. Sparks that weren't sparks.

Then, we didn't talk for the weekend. For a bit. No texts, no calls, maybe just a "get well soon" text and that's it (come on, I have some basic human decency). And so, the weekdays came and on that Tuesday morning, things felt weird. Things felt awkward. Too awkward.

The distance and the realisation that they were about to date someone else, it hurt me and struck a nerve. I didn't want to talk to that person anymore, I thought. It hurt too much, I felt too much. I was grieving for a loss from someone who was alive, or maybe the thought of someone. No, both. I was grieving for both, a friendship so valuable that I threw away and a future I valued that never happened.

The tables turned. It turned 180 degrees. I wasn't the one being ghosted, I was the ghost. Or maybe, it was a mutual one.

We avoided each other. Talked to our mutual friends yet stayed a distance with no eye contact. We looked at each other like we were ghosts, glancing at each other but never really seeing each other. It felt weird.

Sometimes, it really feels like I'm seeing a ghost. We don't talk to each other anymore but we know each other exist. A friend, but a stranger. What a horrible predicament :/

May 23, 2025

However, today, I resolved it. Sort of. Remember the chocolate at Industry Day? Yeah, I gave the same exact chocolate today. I went and said "open your hands" and just dumped the chocolate in their hand. They were kind of shocked, confused, and didn't know what to do. I just ran away, again. It still felt awkward, but I knew I couldn't do this forever. So maybe, a safe distance will do.

I learned that maybe things don't always go our way and it's not always meant to be.

looking at the present and to the future

Now, I look at everything, I see how things could've turned out and why they didn't. I wasn't ready. I was young, I was a child, I thought I could do things my way and it would work. I thought I could get an answer to everything but sometimes, the toughest questions have no closure. Along with this whole faith issue that I have (agnostic theist now, leaning on Christianity), it was really a catacomb of events that happened.

And so, a lesson from all.

I learned friendship vs romance.

I learned that crushes were still human.

I learned that not everything goes to plan.

I learned that people can just not be compatible.

I learned not to wear a sleeve on my heart.

I learned it's not always meant to be.

Maybe I'm not ready to really love yet, I'm too young and my future self would know. I realised that while I wanted to build others up, I was destroying myself at my core. Every crush ate me up and I guess, crushed me. It wasn't fun.

But each crush was not just about the person, it was an experience. An experience that demonstrated a lesson each time, no matter how silly it may be.

My stubbornness will still be there. My quirkiness will still be there. My hidden ego deep down, is still there no matter how much I fight to be humble. All I know, is that it's going to be okay. I hope it will.

I'll find someone. Maybe not now, maybe now. Maybe sometime, in time there will be. Or maybe not at all? Wherever my life takes me, I'll follow. I'll keep learning, even when it's rough. I'll keep finding, even though I don't know what I'm finding.

I'll find an answer, or maybe not at all.

I just hope everything will be okay.

Sincerely,

cups

To the sixth red star, lying in a world of gray

"Although our times have passed,

as we move from place to place

Star-crossed friends who

live in different shades

Of the same light

Of the same fights

And even though the world

does not conspire for what we want

We'll still be friends

No matter what

For however long it may last

Thank you for all that we have

Even in the weirdest of nights

Even in its bittersweet end"