dear, future me - don't stuff it up, again

Dear, future me. (This is getting cliché, isn't it?)

It's 11:07pm. It's almost midnight again.

Things are different this time. Things aren't so bleak anymore. Even if Christmas still feels as sad as ever. Maybe it's just a part of growing older (or maybe, being in a community that doesn't celebrate Christmas much).

But ever since I shook myself somewhat away from the things I used to believe, I started to feel all of the pain that I buried away seep into my consciousness. My mistakes, my past, all the things I wish I never did.

And then I realised, the past is in the past. The present is the present. And the future, is in my hands. Well, "fate"'s hands.

It's been a while since I wrote. In fact, I wrote just after this exact night last year. I wrote to myself -- and the future me, is the future now. And I remember looking back at that letter, several months ago.

And as I sit here and type again, maybe to the world or maybe to myself, I realise how far I've gone. I was going insane at the start of this year, then wrapped myself in a bouquet of issues, then landed myself into a messy friendship midway. So much for going crazy together. (/ref)

I've also learned how to accept the parts of me that I used to hate the most, the parts I wanted to fix myself over when really, there was nothing that I needed to fix. I embraced it. I didn't fight it anymore. I took my hand and dipped it straight into the boiling water that I boiled myself, then it just cooled down. No, I didn't actually dip my hand in boiling water.

And looking back at the letter I wrote to myself last year, I think I was lying to myself in a way. To keep myself sane, to ignore the problems I ran away from, the ones I desperately didn't want to face. I left things unresolved, putting a bandaid over everything that I didn't want to face, even if that meant I kept bleeding, slowly and quietly.

I didn't have a perfect family and I still don't now. But I know they're trying, in more ways than one. So maybe, you'll feel its warmth again someday.

A part of me still feels like I'm lonely. But even if it's only a part now, I know that all the parts of me were lonely when I wrote my past letter. I didn't want to admit it but I felt so empty. Like no one wanted me, like I was second best, and I felt like I wasn't even treated properly. I tried to fix something that was never there. I was fooled by my own delusions. And now, when I've finally been given a friend that I can just talk to everyday and a new friend group who would support me no matter what, I still feel scared... and in a way, still lonely at times.

But looking back at this year, I know that I'm in a better spot now. Even if it feels like time is a loop and we're back where we started. I know that there's hope out there. I know that there's hope for you too.

I had a lot of questions in my past. I had a lot of requests and promises that I wanted to keep to myself now. I would be lying if I said I remembered my promise or committed to my promise because I don't even know if I did. Maybe I did, actually.

So, to continue the tradition, to pass the torch -- I have a request for you, future me.

Could you try not to stuff it up this time? Don't run away again, face it. Don't be afraid and don't be so scared. I know you can do this, even if I can't right now.

And don't hide how you feel. Just give yourself some time and space and let the people who want to support you, support you. Be the best version of yourself with your friends along the way. Don't sacrifice your own wellbeing.

You know who you are now, and where you are now. And, you know one more thing.

Ignorance isn't bliss. Acceptance is.

Sincerely,

David

(P.S. Make sure you don't go insane too. Take some self-care, will you? Also, you're not alone.)